Have you ever left a conversation wondering how it ended up there? You began with a simple request or a small frustration, and somehow found yourself defending, blaming, or quietly taking on far more than you meant to.
I’ve been reading Boundaries by Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert, and have been reminded how much of our relational life is shaped by the boundaries we do or don’t set. Two simple models in the book offer a helpful map: the Drama Triangle and the Winner’s Triangle.
The Drama Triangle: Familiar Roles, Hard to Spot
The Drama Triangle was introduced by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. It describes three roles we can slip into, often without noticing:
The Victim: feels powerless or stuck. “Why does this always happen to me?”
The Persecutor: blames, criticises or controls. “This is your fault.”
The Rescuer: steps in to fix, often unasked, and often at their own expense. “Let me take care of that for you.”
The roles are slippery. The Rescuer who gives and gives can end up feeling unseen and resentful, and become the Victim. The Victim who feels cornered can lash out as the Persecutor. Around and around we go.
These roles aren’t character flaws. Most of us learned them for good reasons, as ways to stay safe, connected or needed in the families and systems we grew up in. They once made sense. They just tend to leave everyone a little smaller.
The Winner’s Triangle: A Different Way of Meeting Each Other
Australian psychotherapist Acey Choy offered an alternative in 1990. The Winner’s Triangle keeps the same three positions but transforms each one:
Victim → Vulnerable. Rather than waiting to be saved, I can name what I feel and need, ask for support, and stay responsible for my own choices.
Persecutor → Assertive. Rather than blaming, I can speak clearly and respectfully about what I want, what I’m not okay with, and what I’m willing to do.
Rescuer → Caring. Rather than taking over, I can offer support while trusting the other person’s capacity and respecting that their life is theirs to run.
When we meet each other with vulnerability, assertiveness and care, something shifts. Nobody has to be the villain, the casualty or the saviour. Everyone gets to stay whole, and that’s why it’s called the Winner’s Triangle.
Where Boundaries Come In
Boundaries are what make this shift possible. Without them, we tend to over-give (Rescuer), over-endure (Victim) or over-defend (Persecutor). With them, we have a way to say this is me, this is you, and we can still be in relationship.
In Gestalt therapy, we think about this through the idea of the contact boundary: the place where I meet you, and you meet me. Healthy contact needs both separateness and connection. Too rigid a boundary and we lose intimacy. Too porous and we lose ourselves. The Winner’s Triangle is, in many ways, a practical picture of healthy contact: honest, responsible and caring, all at once.
What It Can Look Like
Imagine a colleague asks you, yet again, to pick up some of their work.
Rescuer: You say yes, stay late, and quietly seethe.
Persecutor: You snap, “You always dump things on me!”
Victim: You say nothing and feel like nobody notices how much you carry.
Now the Winner’s Triangle version: “I can’t take that on this week, and I’d like to talk about how we share the load. I’m happy to help you think through priorities.”
That’s assertive (clear about the limit), vulnerable (honest about your capacity), and caring (still offering support without taking over). It might feel uncomfortable at first, and the other person may need time to adjust. That’s often a sign that a boundary is doing its job.
Gentle Ways to Begin
This isn’t about getting it right every time. Awareness is the first step, and it often starts in the body.
Notice the pull. Where do you feel it when you’re about to over-help, withdraw or snap? A tight chest, a clenched jaw, a sinking stomach?
Pause and name it. Which corner of the Drama Triangle are you standing in? No judgement, just curiosity.
Ask what you need. What would a vulnerable, assertive or caring response look like here?
Start small. Practise with lower-stakes moments before the big conversations.
A note of care: the Winner’s Triangle isn’t a recipe for every situation. If you’re in a relationship where you feel unsafe, the problem isn’t that you aren’t assertive enough, support from a professional or trusted service matters.
An Invitation
Shifting out of long-held patterns takes time, patience and, often, the support of healthy, trusting relationships. In therapy, we can explore which roles you tend to fall into, where they came from, and what it might feel like to try something new, at your own pace and in a relationship that’s safe enough to experiment in.
If this resonates and you’d like support, I’d love to hear from you. You can get in touch here.
